Fáilte. Welcome to the updated version of “Hearth Fire Hag”. I’m just an average girl living in southeastern virginia trying to find her way through life through self improvement, spirituality, and general musings. This Blog will focus on my personal life as well as my spiritual life. I hope to eventually transition into a full time spirituality blog.
Grab some whiskey and join me by the hearth fire. It’s gonna be a wild ride.
Apologies for not posting in awhile. I’ve been hit with a string of depression and it’s really gotten me down. But alas today, I’m in a great mood!!
just some updates: The Cailleach and Manannan mac Lir have entered my life, my ancestral deities. Freyja introduced me to both of them after a string of events where she’s led me into the path of irish-based polytheism. It is officially a go!
I’m just writing a quick post to tell ya’ll I’m kicking and I’ll get into the juicy details later this week. Thank you to all who have stuck around.
I lied. I’m making another blog post.
I started my journey into pagan spirituality at the age of 21 around 2013. Finding my spirituality and path has been largely..unpleasant However, as I’m writing this I want to convince myself it’s OK not to have a “path” yet and not know where you’re going.
My problem is I’m rushing into this and I’m crashing EVERY time. I think it’s time I sit back and let the gods and ancestors take the wheel and lead me to where I’ll be happy… I just wish I wasn’t so impatient. My friends are very gifted and talented diviners, pagans, and spirit workers. It’s difficult being under their shadow and watching them succeed as I continuously fail. I think it’s a difficult pill for me to swallow because I’m 24 now and not getting any younger… I feel as if I need to catch up and be on par with everyone else. It’s NOT working. And it’s not good for my mental health either.
For some people, it takes YEARS to figure out where they belong and I need to accept I’m just one of those people. My friend gets frustrated with me because I’m always going back and forth from pantheon to pantheon one day to the next. And understandably so. It was suggested I maybe give up on all of this for my own sanity. I just can’t though. As hard as this all is on me I do love my deities and ancestors at the end of the day and I want them to be apart of my life as well as me apart of theirs. To give up is giving up on them.
As I write this post, I’m accepting that I don’t get to have a choice in my spirituality anymore. The Gods and ancestors have chosen for me and will continue to lead me where THEY desire. For a very long time I had trouble accepting this and wanted to go my own way. Now I realize that’s just not going to happen. When you willingly invite the Gods and ancestors into your life, they’re going to take the wheel and I need to learn it’s for the best. For the best of ME.
I’m gonna be ok.
This is the second post in my “taking ownership” series and tonight I’m talking a bit about friendship. I can be a better friend admittedly, and I used to believe that my mental health and psychological issues were the reason I tend to be this way. But I think the truth is I just don’t know how to be a good friend. Maybe because I never had friends growing up I didn’t have the responsibility of reciprocation and giving back.
Maybe I’m being too hard on myself too. I can be a good friend, however I have one friend I tend to butt heads with a lot regarding my spirituality and spiritual life. I sometimes wonder why she puts up with me and why I’m worth it. And “L” I know you read my blog so I hope you don’t mind…
I have the power to be a better friend to “L” but I think I need to stop over-worrying and just let life happen. I’m not patient by any stretch of the imagination and I want things to happen ASAP. I think thats why I’m not good with spirituality because I haven’t learned the value of patience. Tonight, Veles and Freyja are both teaching me that.
I’m also learning I can’t rely on “L” 24/7 to hold my hand regarding my life and spirituality. I think I stress her out doing this and it makes me guilty. But instead of feeling the guilt I can always just…stop. It’s basically time to hit the books. Now that I KNOW where I want to be spiritually it’s time to start learning and studying. On my own. “L” taught me I don’t need anyone’s permission on how to do my spirituality. Let the BOOKS be my dogma. Let the books be my gatekeeper. I’m lazy and I need to start taking full ownership of myself, my actions and my life.
“L” if you’re reading this: I’m sorry I can be a real pain in the neck. It’s time I change and it happens now. Thanks for coming along for the ride. It means a lot.
My friend was kind enough to give me these guiding questions to muse on. This is both a personal and a spirituality blog so I have no qualms sharing my personal growth and developments. Today, I tackle the subject of taking ownership and responsibility. Why? because in MY opinion, taking responsibility for ones self and actions in life is a key value in slavic polytheistic world view and values.
What does it mean for you to accept responsibility for yourself?
This is hard to answer I admit since I’m not really the most mature or self-aware person in this area. However, for me accepting responsibility for one’s self means the opposite of what I tend to do, which is being a victim.
My problem is, especially having a PD, I tend to whine and play the victim when people call me out over the fact I’ve done something wrong or inappropriate. Usually it will take me awhile to accept that I’m flawed and it’s not a sin to mess up sometimes. I take it really personally when I screw up and wallow in despair and self-pity. It’s pretty pathetic, however it’s a terrible feeling. One I don’t think people really understand sadly.
Taking responsibility means swallowing my pride and owning up to my mistakes. I can do that. Fixing them and NOT doing them again? that’s my challenge. That’s my flaw. I’m VERY impulsive and ADD. This is gonna take some (ok, a lot) work and therapy.
I also think taking responsibility means not relying so much for everyone’s help. I tend to have friends and family hold my hand through life and this weakens me. I’m trying to learn sometimes things are better left unsaid and should only be discussed with family. Ie. suicidal explosions and episodes. I’m not saying don’t get help. MY problem is when I need help? I let EVERYONE know. That’s BAD. It makes people uncomfortable and it’s really not a great idea to air your dirty laundry to every joe shmoe. Other than that, just relying on people in general for favors like driving me to school or work because I haven’t gotten my permit yet? Not self responsible.
This question was really difficult to answer. Boy howdy. I may come back to this one day as I’ve grown and changed, then add more to this.
I’m no stranger to problems with mental health. I’m currently professionally diagnosed with Depression, anxiety disorder, and possibly a personality disorder. Due to these circumstances, polytheism has been no easy ride. Today I want to talk a bit about how far I’ve come with identity.
I started out three years ago in a disastrous venture into heathenry on an off (with a lot of pantheon hopping inbetween) Something was NOT setting right with me and it was more than the hostile community I encountered.
Before getting my official DNA test through ancestry.com, I didn’t know where I fit pantheon wise because I was completely gung-ho over the concept of ancestry and identity. I was mixing with the wrong crowds and getting myself into a ton of trouble. Today I as browsing facebook staring at my name. I’m a mixed ethnic american-european “mutt” with an italian last name contemplating slavic polytheism. In the past this bothered me IMMENSELY. Thinking I wasn’t valuable enough to carry any other title other than “roman polytheist” due to what I assumed was mostly italian roots, physical makeup, and a last name invovled as well.
I looked at my name tody and felt happy with who I am.
I’m not saying I don’t have some aspects of myself to fix. I have a LOT that needs fixin’ but, I’m learning that it’s OK to like myself. Sure, a lot of people may not like me but what matters at the end of the day is how I view myself first. I realized as I type this thats why no one likes me. Because I don’t like myself.
For the record, this isn’t the only thing I didn’t like about myself. I generally have really low self esteem and rely on people to lift me up and make me feel valuable. But..take this as an analogy I guess. I’m not the best writer in the world… just a warning here from now.
It’s gonna be hard. But today I finally realized I’m pretty alright. Thats the first step.
for the record: turns out, I’m barely even ethnically italian. What a twist.